This is blog number 3 for me. I began to share my voice and life with the world Tuesday November 28, 2006. I posted the following entry two days later. I remember the day it went "live". I considered deleting it. I was embarassed that I shared such a personal inner struggle. Frankly, I was surprised that I let it out. I guess it was time to begin my journey on the path to my destiny... the path to meeting, face to face, the One who created me.
I just finished watching Oprah this morning and, as usual, she has me thinking about things. The show was about women becoming themselves. At the start of the show I felt very confident that I had completed much of that journey very early on in my life. I thought about how my experience getting pregnant at 18 and having my son Jack pushed me to become more of who I was meant to be. In that experience I learned to listen to my own inner voice and I learned to listen to God speaking to me. I transformed from this people pleasing girl that never wanted to stand out into a self-aware woman who had to do what was best for herself in that moment or else my life would be altered (for the worse) forever. I am so thankful for that challenge because through it I realized that I was strong, intelligent and worthy. In that time I found my own worth which had been missing all my life. For the first time I was able to validate myself and I no longer sought it from outside places.
One thing that many of the women on the show said is that becoming yourself is an ongoing journey. I feel that I am at another point in my life now that is calling for me to grow. This time it is a bit less dramatic, thankfully. My life is in order and I am ecstatically happy with where I am and what I am doing. I have a beautiful husband who adores me and I adore him, I have 4 of the most wonderful children and we are in the process of growing a new business. I think the feeling of contentment in my external life is spurring on the awakening and urge to grow my internal self. Because I am not preoccupied with issues in my life, my soul is stirring and I am able to feel it.
I believe that the next phase of my personal growth is moving beyond fear. It is ridiculous to say but I am afraid to move beyond my fear. My fear has been my friend throughout my life. I am trying to determine exactly what the fear is but I have a strong feeling that it includes a fear of rejection, not being good enough, making a fool of myself and most importantly my power. At my core I know that I am immensely powerful. I hold so much personal power that it terrifies me. I have felt for so long that there is something I am supposed to do with this life I was given. While I know that I have already done many things, there is something else that I am afraid to acknowledge. It feels like a pandora's box and once I open it, I will never be that same. While my soul is crying out for whatever is in that box, my fear tells me to leave it alone. What should I do? I know that the box will be opened soon because the stirring is louder and louder everyday. I am only 28 now and I can't imagine ignoring it much longer. How do I move out of fear and into embracing what I truly was meant to do? How do people like Oprah step into their personal power so readily and confidently?
I had so hoped that no one would stumble upon my revealing post but someone did. Thank you, Lord, that she did because she left me this amazing quote.
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." ~Marianne Williamson